You may know Ronald Reagan best for being the 40th President of the United States, or maybe for being the Governor of California. Or if your are a fan of monkeys like me, you may know him from his acting career in which he stared in a movie called “Bedtime for Bonzo” That's right, Reagan stared in a movie about a monkey, its like curious George, flubber, and red dawn had a threesome. But what you may not have known about Reagan was that he was a goddamn hero.
Above: goddamn hero.
Ronald Wilson Reagan was born on February 6th 1911 and since then has kicked so much ass it hurts liberals to even hear his mighty name. in 1937 he moved to California to become an actor and stared in over 50 movies. After a while Reagan decided that he was done with acting and the life of evil that he was currently living, and that he would start a life a political awesomeness, he delivered a speech in 1962 called A Time For Choosing. He ran for Governor of California and won in 1967. While Governor he promised to "Send the welfare bums back to work" in layman terms, "Stop mooching and get off your lazy ass and get a fucking job you goddamn assholes" after beating the shit out of the psychical embodiment of laziness and homelessness, he decided to step it up and attempted to stop the worst crime in American history, sadly he did not succeed completely, and now millions of babies are still being murdered due to peoples selfishness and lack of responsibilities for their actions. so he left office, with something much bigger in mind. Reagan announced his candidacy for president.
In order to understand the pure awesomeness of what happened next, you must first know a little bit about the Iran hostage crisis. You see, on November 4th 1979 a group of Islamic students and militants took over the US Embassy in Iran because... well because Iranians are asshole barbarians that's why.
Just look at those savages...
in doing this they captures 66 Americans and held them hostage. after a few months a few escaped or were released, lowering the number to 52, because along with being assholes, Iranians suck at everything, even photo shop.
Yup, this looks real enough...
The hostages were held in Tehran, the capital of Iran. In February 1980, Iran issued a list of demands for the hostages' release. They included the Shah's return to Iran, a demand for an apology for American involvement in Iran, including the coup in 1953, and a promise to steer clear of Iranian affairs in the future. Jimmy Carter, the president at the time, told Iran to go fucks itself because he had an idea with an awesome name, and that was wayyy cooler than what they wanted. OPERATION EAGLE CLAW was the rescue attempt of the 52 remaining hostages in Iran, and being one of the very first operations staged by Delta Force, it was a freaking clusterfuck and resulted with 8 dead Americans and 1 dead Iranian civilian. Good fucking job Delta Force, out-fucking-standing. It seamed that there was really no solution to the hostage crisis.
But on January 20th 1981 (the 444th day of the Iranian hostage crisis), an Iranian militant who was one of the captors woke up, turned on some coffee, sat down on his lazy-boy rock, and flipped on the TV. To see this.
The Iranian promptly shit his pants, ran to his buddies, and begged them to let the Americans go. I'd like to think the conversation went a bit like this
"We have to release them!"
"But why, they are american devils and we must kill them to make our god happy"
"You don't understand! Jimmy Carter isn't the President of America anymore!"
"Well who is?!?!"
"This guy..."
"OH SHIT!!!! LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!"
Lets recap shall we? Ronald Reagan was president for all of five min and he already saved the lives of 52 Americans, something that FUCKING DELTA FORCE couldn't do.
About 69 days later, a crazy son-of-a-bitch named John Hinckley tried to ruin everything. Hinckley had seen the movie Taxi Driver way to many times, in this movie, Jodi Foster plays a 12 year old prostitute. Hinckley became obsessed with her and decided her was going to do anything it took to get her attention.
"JAILBAIT!!!!!"
"She's hot!"
"Naw man, too young for me."
"I'm gonna shoot the President!!!"
After stalking Foster for quite some time, he left her a note saying "Over the past seven months I've left you dozens of poems, letters and love messages in the faint hope that you could develop an interest in me. Although we talked on the phone a couple of times I never had the nerve to simply approach you and introduce myself. [...] the reason I'm going ahead with this attempt now is because I cannot wait any longer to impress you." Hinckley ran up to Reagan and fired six times with his revolver. Hitting several people and including the President. Reagan was thrown into the limo and driven to the hospital, after saying "I'm fine I'm fine, its just a bruise" and protesting to enter, he finally agreed if only to get his secret service agents to leave him alone, according to this article, "Reagan lost over half of his blood volume in the emergency room and during surgery, which removed the bullet; the operating staff did not know the round was explosive or that it could have gone off at any time. In the operating room, Reagan joked, "Please tell me you're all Republicans." Giordano, a liberal Democrat, replied, "Today, Mr. President, we're all Republicans."" To sum this up Reagan gets shot, almost died, and still converts some asshole liberal into a Republican.
In 1983 a Suicide truck bomber exploded next to the Marine Barracks in Beirut Lebanon. As a Marine myself, I don't even need to research the death toll, I have it memorized. 220 Marines, 19 Navy personal, and 3 army soldiers were killed. President Reagan responded by saying "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference. The Marines don't have that problem." Also, killing the fuck out of terrorist.
Iran totally saw this coming.
After this he ordered the invasion of Granada because it met killing Cubans and Cubans were communist and communist need to die dammit! (more on this later)
Ah, 4 years in office and so much accomplished, so many bad guys shit their pants, it was time for Reagan to retire from politics and live a life of farming and maybe start up his talk show again... oh wait, I must have read that wrong, no Reagan didn't step down, he ran again. And won big time, he got 49 states, the only assholes who didn't vote for him were in Minnesota.
Fuck you minnesota,
you communist bastards.
Durring Reagans second term he accomplished ever more. In 1986 he signed the Immigration Reform and Control Act making it against the law hire or recruit illegal immigrations, also know as ENEMIES OF AMERICA! After that, he started the war on drugs, because snorting cocaine off some dudes dick in a dark alley is no way to live, unless you happen to be James Frey.
But quite possible the best contribution Reagan made in this world was singlehandedly ending the Soviet Union and the Cold War. You see, in 1947 a group of crazy motherfuckers called "Russians" drank too much antifreeze for their MiGs and thought that they were allowed to stockpile Nuclear Weapons, for Mother Russia of course.
Pictured: Mother Russia
The problem with this was, Russians were communist, and Ronald Reagan's mission in life was to punch communism right in its dirty nasty face. After many years of being dicks and trying to scare Americans, Reagan decided that enough was enough, he had the Berlin wall torn down and murdered every motherfucker that was related to Joseph Stalin, and threw all the Soviets Nuclear Missiles at an asteroid headed toward earth, saving us all.(citation needed). The USSR was stripped of everything that made it a real country (being the US part, assholes tried to put another "S" in there to) and became just "R" for Russia. Now Russians are not feared, but they are the people you kill the shit out of when you play Call Of Duty on your Xbox.
After all of this, Reagan decided that his reign of awesomeness in the white house had to come to an end. He left office and lived a life of peace and quiet with his lovely wife Nancy. Reagan only stuck around to make sure that the boat made for him would be up to par.
"What the hell is this shit??? A boat for ants?!?!?!
I outta' punch you in your communist balls!!"
"Thats better"
After his work in this world was done, Reagan decided he was leaving. But we hope that much like Forrest Gump right before his cross country run, he left to do more awesome shit in other places. All we know is that on the morning of June 5th 2004 Ronald Wilson Reagan, American Hero and savior of the world, woke up, threw on his boots, hoped onto his horse, and rode off into the sunset.
SEE YA!
Some say that if you drink heavily while taking LSD and PCP, you can see Ronald Reagan riding his horse and punching communist, but thats probably just because thats a dangerous mixture of alcohol and drugs that will make you hallucinate and probably kill you. So don't do it, unless your a communist.
Also, tomorrow is his 100th birthday, so heres another picture just for fun.
Punch a Communist/Liberal in the balls for my birthday!
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