Boot Camp

Disclaimer: This article has NOT been approved by the U.S. Marine Corps or the D.O.D.

Every young boy wants to play guns or cops and robbers. Anything that involved running around, yelling, and shooting was considered fun in our eyes. And every single one of us wanted to be in the military. But the reason most of us decided not to join was two simple words. Boot Camp. Well, that and a successful high school career with a promising future. This is my story about boot camp, the good times and the bad.

All my life I’ve wanted to join the Marines. I look at the stories of American hero's before me and think, “That’s who I want to be.”

Pictured: American hero

I decided I was gonna do it. I was going to sign up. So in high school I joined the cross country team to get into shape, started doing crunches and pull ups in my back yard constantly, anything i could do to make it easier on myself during boot camp. Then finally one day in 2009 the day came. I hugged my family, said goodbye to my friends, and hopped on a plane bound for Paris Island SC with nothing but the cloths on my back and a twenty dollar bill in my pocket. It was gonna be an adventure I would never forget.

Much like this adventure, but with less cops.

The first thing I noticed when my plane touched down in South Carolina was the smell, it was horrible, like rotting corpses (which I later found out was the exact source of the smell). The second thing I noticed was the fact that SC is, essentially, a third world country. People wandered the streets looking for food scraps, there were zero cars, and about 7 houses all of which look insanely dangerous to live in.

When we arrived at Parris Island, the first place not void of life in that entire godforsaken chunk of land called a state, the horror grew even worse. The bus come to a stop and a short woman, about 5'2, in a DI (Drill Instructor) hat entered the bus. She screamed "WELCOME TO PARRIS ISLAND! YOU ARE NO LONGER HUMAN, THE BILL OF RIGHTS NO LONGER APPLIES TO YOU!!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS, IF YOU DIE HERE, IT WILL BE CLASSIFIED AS AN "ACCIDENT" AND BELIEVE ME, SOME OF YOU WILL DIE!!!!! NOW GET THE FUCK OFF MY BUSSS!!!!" at this point, she threw a flashbang grenade and a teargass bomb onto the bus while firing a machine gun at chest level, killing 2 of the would-be-recruits as the rest of us crawled off the bus. We were then stripped naked and had PROPERTY OF THE US GOVERNMENT branded onto our asses. We were kept awake for the next 72 hours doing paperwork, then clothing issue, then standing in a line waiting to be punched in the face by Mike Tyson. They took us into a large white chamber where some sort of burning chemical was sprayed onto us to burn off our hair. (at this point, we were still nude.) After this they let us put on cloths and took us to a dark room. "IN THIS ROOM" a DI, screamed, "YOU WILL BE ISSUED THE TWO THINGS THAT YOU WILL GROW TO BOND WITH AND LOVE. YOU WILL TREAT THEM LIKE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, WHOM WE HAVE SENT A MAN NAMED 'JODY' TO VIOLATE, ONE IS THE M16A4 ASSAULT RIFLE. THE OTHER, A PUPPY!!!!!"

This puppy, to be exact.

I was confused about the puppy, but i named mine Rex. and throughout the entire time of boot camp, i grew to love him more than anything or anyone I had ever loved before, he was the only thing that kept me sane, much like Wilson the volleyball in "Castaway".

The first major thing we had to learn as recruits, was to swim. Swim qual seemed simple enough. "Swim 100 yards doing this stroke" or "stay above the water for this long". I wasn't an expert swimmer, but I wasn't bad at all either, I wasn't very worried about this... until, that is, I saw the sharks.

Yes, they had lasers.

They used military grade zipties to cuff our hands behind our back and threw us off a 30 foot tall diving board. Surviving this mostly consisted of trying to drown everyone around you with your feet and hope the sharks wanted them and not you.

The next large portion of training was the rifle range. We took our M16's and went to the range where we fired in the prone, kneeling, sitting, and standing at ranges of 300, 400, and 500 meters. I was one of the few who shot expert so I was allowed a phone call home. When I attempted to call home I was greeted with a message that said "We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed on account of your family FUCKING HATES YOU GET THE FUCK OFF THE PHONE AND BACK TO TRAINING YOU WEAK MINDED PUSSY ASS BITCH!!!!!" I should have known that I wouldn't really get a chance to talk to humans again. My real reward for shooting so well would cost me a part of my soul that I would never gain back. I was led to a brick wall and handed an AK47. I was told that I would get special training in the use of our enemies weapons. After a few hours of mastering this weapon, they had me put a fresh magazine in the weapon and select full auto. They then blind folded me and told me to remember where the targets were from memory and fire on them without the aid of sight. I did and fired all 45 rounds of the extended mag. I heard them clapping and cheering, This was the first time I had heard anything close to "good job" and I was very excited, that is, until I took off the blindfold...

SURPRISE!!! YOUR A MURDERER!!!

In front of me lay the bodies of 5 dead men, whom I had shot. I did not know they were there,  I felt sick to my stomach, it was the first time I had ever killed anyone. I knew, in that moment, that I had bought my ticket to hell. They then taught me how to booby trap the body by placing a grenade under it and pulling the pin. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I heard them screaming "NOW YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO TREAT A BULLET WOUND, GO EXAMINE THE BODIES!!!!" to which point 4 recruits run to the men i had killed and flipped one over, arming the grenade and killing all 4. The real lesson to the class was to be aware of explosives at any given time. When I got back to the squadbay that night, I used the 15 min of free time to talk to Rex about what I had done. If I had not had that dog, I would have shut down completely.

Look at those eyes that say
"I forgive you for your savage war crimes"

A few months later, came the last and most crucial part of training. A 4 day field op called THE CRUCIBLE. In these 4 days we were allowed no sleep, no food, and very little water. We were once again stripped naked, thrown into the forest with nothing but a KaBar combat knife and were told that an enemy would be attacking and we were to defend ourselves. Well an enemy did attack... also naked with only a KaBar, these were other recruits from another plt. We were forced to fight to the death, and when we won, we were rewarded our weapons again. But only half of them. One recruit would get a rifle, the next would get a mag of ammo, the next a gun, the next ammo. so every other person had a gun, and every other ammo. nobody had both, so none of the weapons were loaded which was not very good for us because of day 2 we had to fight this.

Maybe I can just scare him away...

after a long and deadly battle that lasted till the end of day 4, we were considered MARINES. Of the 1458 recruits that showed up, I was one of the 86 to survive and earn the right of US Marine. It was hard, but I did it. And I know if it wasn't for Rex, i never would have made it out. Oh right, i forgot, they made us kill the dog.

Dear Rex, I am sorry.

******Editors Note: The United States Marine Corps boot camp is a 3 month long intense training program wherein no animals nor humans are murdered. It teaches core values such as Honor, Courage, and Commitment. Anyone reading this article should not take it as a serious outline of USMC boot camp.******