Stalking: Never Gonna Let You Go

Don’t you just hate it when the girl that you are overly obsessed with tells you that you are “not my type?” She must be wrong, you are clearly her type, and you love her. And to prove that you really love her, you must never ever let her go. There is a special form of art that must be preformed to be sure that you two can be in love once again… stalking.

Some people consider stalking a sport; those people are sick degenerates that don’t deserve a life. Stalking is an art of love. You see, a relationship is never over until both sides agree, If a girl says “It’s over” the boy can simply reply “This relationship isn’t over until I say it is!” Remember, quitters are losers, and you’re not a loser, are you? Stalking can range from hiding in the bushes to kidnapping the entire family, holding them hostage, and forcing the person you are stalking to marry you. And everything in-between.



For beginners, you might want to try leaving a present at their door steps, what does everyone like? Why pets of course, but nobody likes taking care of them, so you should just leave a dead cat (white to represent purity). Or if she's not a cat person, you could just give her a pretty bird. 

This bird

After you have gained their trust, it’s time for the phone call. Be sure to not use words when calling your love, instead breath heavily and moan. Sometimes the person being stalked might get a restraining order against you, remember, this is just their way of saying “I love you.” If the restraining order doesn’t respect your love, then don’t respect it. If you need to, burn down the court house; attack the records at the source. After you have made it clear that you will never quit, it’s time for something to do at home, away from your true love. For this project, you will be collecting random hair follicles and used gum form the person that you are stalking and make a small model of them. Be sure to worship it 5-6 times a day.



Remember, your beloved will need constant reminders that you know where they live, let them know that you are always watching while they sleep, so they can feel safe, of course. Be sure to visit them at work as much as you can, so they don’t feel lonely. And remember, no matter what they say, deep down, they love you too.