An Average Three Day Weekend in the Marine Corps (With Zombies!) Part 1

Disclaimer: This article has NOT been approved by the U.S. Marine Corps or the D.O.D.


It was Thursday afternoon, around 15:30 (thats 3:30pm for those of you that don't know military time) and were were standing outside in formation to get off work. 
"Alright Marines!" Our C.O. yelled, "As you know, Sunday is Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday, and because of that we won't have work tomorrow. Remember to be safe this weekend, if you drink then don't drive. Don't smoke spice, and don't get arrested. Also, don't be a fucking dick and snort dick off some dudes dick while jacking your dick you dicks." Thats a lot of dicks I thought. "Be back here on Monday at 06:30 for a formation and remember that next week we are doing room inspections so make sure to clean you shit up. Does anyone have anything else before I let ya go?" As always, nobody said anything, all we wanted to do was get out of our cammies and enjoy the weekend. "Very well. Keep it safe and keep it sexy Marines. DISMISSED!" 
We all ran back to our rooms and changed out of our work cloths and into our civies. While I was in my room messing around on facebook and listening to music, I got a text message on my phone.
yo bro, you ready to party?
it was my friend Ski, I swear I'd jump on a grenade for this kid, we've been through so much together while in the Marines that we were closer than blood. Also, we liked to party a lot.

Pictured: Pre-party.

I opened my phone and replied 
you know it dude.
About an hour later Ski and I were off to the store to buy the goods, then we went back to my room and started the night by ordering chinese food and doing a few shots. About two 18 packs 4 bottles of wine, and a handle of irish mist later, we were both pretty far gone. I was playing Dead Rising 2 while Ski told me about his plan to open a White Castle near the base and how we would both run it together and make bank, I tried to slur out that White Castle is a family owned business and we wouldn't be allowed to operate one as we are not family, also we didn't have enough money to buy them out. For some reason what i said was "Thats an awesome fucking idea, lets take a shot to it! Also, grab me another beer." Strange how that works...
After that we argued whether lighting a zombie on fire was a good thing or a bad thing.
"No Lyon, I'm telling you, if you light a zombie on fire its brain will melt and kill it. Its just as good as shooting it in the head, only with a molotov cocktail or flamethrower, you don't have to take the time to aim right for the head." He said while pissing over the toilet and into my shower.
"DAMMIT SKI!!!! How many times have we been over this?!?! Yes, the fire will melt his brain and kill him BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY!! In the meantime you will not only have zombies chasing after you, but 6 foot tall murderous fireballs! Its way more dangerous!!!" I yelled while breaking an empty bottle of vodka over my forearm because.... just because dammit! And then things got really fuzzy till we both passed out.




I woke up in the morning inside of a bathtub with a bunch of fucking flour all over me... again.

This photo was seriously in no way doctored.

I looked around the room to survey the damage. There was a lot of blood, but not as much as last weekend. Also, I appeared to have drank lighter fluid again, I gotta cut that out. There wasn't anyone tied up in the closet, so that was good, but Ski stole another sign.

Goddammit Ski.

We both got up and grabbed a beer, because nothing taste better after a night of heavy drinking than a beer at 9:30 in the morning. I looked at my phone and saw that I had 17 missed calls from my Sgt. along with a few text messages that said things like "Urgent!!!" "CALL ME NOW!!!!" and "WHERE ARE YOU DAMMIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" I tried calling back, but he didn't pick up. In fact, I called damn near every Marine I knew to find out what was so urgent and nobody picked up. After a while I gave up and turned on the TV. Much to my surprise, every station was playing the same thing.

Ski walked out of the bathroom to see what was going on. "Dude, what the hell is going on?" 
I looked him, "Well, right now President Bush is warning America about what appears to be a zombie outbreak. He's telling Americans to hide in their houses while apparently he himself is going to kill all the zombies in the world." Ski looked at me to see if I was serious.

Clearly I was.

"Well thats confusing," Ski stated "Because this is 2011 and the President is Barack Obama."
"Yes." I agreed, "Also... Zombies? We live on a military base in an infantry unit, wouldn't we be called in right away to respond to this, or at least be informed about the base being shut down?"
I walked to the window and opened the blinds to see a the most horrifying and down right scary sight I had ever laid eyes on...

"Yes we can!"

Dammit! No not that. I must have still been hallucinating from the large amounts of dish soap i drank. I closed my eyes and shook my head and looked again.

Much better

Ski walked up to the window beside me, "Oh man!" he groaned, "I'm too hungover for this shit!"
I closed the blinds and looked at the TV. "We need to do something about this man."
I turned back to see Ski wearing a beer hat filled with tucker's death mix and holding a keg. "LETS GET TANKED!"
"Probably not the best course of action right now." I said "We need to come up with a plan."
We decided that we would go to the armory right across the street and load up on weapons, then go look for other survivors. "But first," I said, "We need something to arm ourselves with for the run across the road to the armory."
Ski ran over to the microwave and pulled out 2 KaBar combat knives. "Here you go." (Don't ask me why they were in there, just know that after a night of drinking, there are always a few deadly weapons inside my microwave.)
Me and Ski, armed only with knives and awesomeness, opened the doors to madness and tackled it head on. There wasn't as many zombies in our path as I had thought there would be, one tried to attack us right as we got off the stair case and onto the grass, I stabbed it in the face killing it. Another lunged itself at Ski when we were crossing the road, Ski responded by punching the zombie in the face then biting it. This was the most amazing I had seen in my life, Ski actually bit a fucking zombie! Thats like trying to rape a shark.
We got across the the road and into the armory, where there were a shit-ton of military grade weapons to choose from. Ski was very happy about this.

Choose wisely

We both geared up, I grabbed a 2 M4 carbines (one with a M203 grenade launcher)  3 M9 pistols and a M1014 shot gun. After thinking about it for a few seconds, I also grabbed 4 M67 frag grenades.
Ski opted to take an M249 SAW, an M16, and a MK32 (the six shot grenade launcher.) After putting half the weapons into our assault bags, I slung the shotgun and grabbed the M4/M203. Ski slung the M16 and chose the SAW as his primary weapon. We also each packed a pair of night vision devices (NVD).
"Alright, where to next?" Ski asked.
I thought for a while. "Well... where do you think survivors on a Marine base would huddle?"
"I'd say the best 3 choices to look would be the gym, base theater, or the recreational center." Ski said "But also, if there are a bunch of survivors in one area, one of them is probably a zombie, and by now has bitten someone. I'd say all three of those places are full of people who have turned already, so we should go there and mow them down, because killing zombies is fun."

very fun

So we went to the gym because it was the closest to us. As we walked to the outside of the building, Skis suspicion was confirmed. There must have been a horde of no less than a hundred walking corpse, we went to fucking town, I was picking off zombies with my rifle and Ski was taking short controlled burst at a large crowd of them. A bit further away, a bunch of the bastards were huddled close together, so I let a round off from my 203 killing roughly 8 of them. I'd say at this point the combined kill count was around 50 or 60, and then we heard moaning from behind. I turned around and saw hundreds of them, they were everywhere now, surrounding us at all sides. "Fuck! Ski, switch to heavy weapons." I pulled out the shotgun and ski grabbed his Mk32 and we starting shooting them like it was our fucking job (which in retrospect, it was our fucking job.) We knew we didn't have enough ammo to keep this up, and we were about to get overrun anyway because they were showing up faster than we could kill them. Just as it seemed that we were about to become zombie burgers, a red van pulled up. A man in a lab coat opened the door and yelled "Get inside!" I was a little suspicious about this man, but decided I didn't have much of a choice.

Don't be a pussy, this guy looks legit.

We jumped in the van and the man speed off, ski had to drop his SAW to get inside quickly. I figured that this guy might know what the hell was going on, so I asked him in the nicest way I knew. I drew a pistol and jammed it into the side of his head "ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKER! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW!" (Editors Note: Marines aren't very polite.) He looked at me and said "I'm taking you to a survivor camp where me and several other scientist are the main researchers hired by the President to work on this outbreak, my name is Dr Hossburg, and I can tell you everything thats going on here." I let loose a sigh of relief. "Last year," he continued, as I saw Ski draw a pistol out of the bag, "The government started working on a new drug called 'solime'" in the corner of my eye I saw Ski flip off the safety on his sidearm "This drug was sup-" BAM! Dr Hossburg's head exploded and the van swerved out of control. I grabbed the steering wheel and threw him out the door so I could take his spot as driver. I looked at Ski in the Mirror, "WHAT THE SHITFUCK SKI?!?!"
He put the pistol away. "I shot him, in the head, you should have seen your face. You were all like 'whaaatt'"
"I know you shot him, why?"
"He was a zombie."
"No he wasn't!" I yelled, "He was talking to us."
Ski looked confused. "He was a bad guy?" he tried.
"No, then why did he save us?"
Now he just looked pissed off. "That guy was a dick." He said, to justify what was clearly a mindless murder and not self defense in any way whatsoever.

Above: NOT self defense.

"Alright." I sighed and rubbed my fingers on my forehead, "Whatever, we'll talk about this later. In the meantime could you please refrain from killing people who are about to explain to us the reason for the fucking zombie apocalypse? That would be great. Alright, dude search the glove box to see if you can find any clue to where this survivor camp he was talking about is."
Ski jumped to the passenger seat and threw open the glove box. "Awesome!" he yelled as he pulled put a revolver, "A 357 Magnum! Dibs." He dug around a bit more and pulled out a GPS "Alright, I've set the GPS to take us to the most constant recent destination, hopefully this will be the place he was talking about."
"Ok, good. I'll drive"

Above:
My driving record.

The place was off base, so we drove back to the armory to resupply on ammo and weapons first. Because he had a van now, we threw a couple 240 machine guns inside. Then we started driving. about an hour and a half later, we arrived at a school.
"It says that this is the place."
"Ok." I said, "But please remember, some people inside this building might not be zombies. Please don't murder them."
Ski looked at the ground and mumbled something.
"What?" I asked.
"I SAID FINE DAMMIT!" he yelled.
We went up to the door and stacked up. Ski drew his M16 and I my M4, we both knew exactly what we were doing. Instinct had kicked in and we were clearing rooms exactly how we were trained to. Ski gave me the tap on the shoulder indicating that he was ready and I donkey-kicked the door in, we both exploded into the room, slow and smooth, and without thinking shot all 7 zombies right in the dome. We then went to every room, clearing them the exact same way. We were lined up on the last door, I could hear a lot of moaning inside, I looked at Ski, he had grabbed a grenade and raised an eyebrow at me.
"Just a sec." I whispered. "IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE IN THERE?" No response.
"Alright Ski, go ahead." He pulled the pin and bounced it off the wall and waited till it exploded. Me and Ski entered the room and cleared it. 13 zombies lay on the floor. Most of them with useless limbs but still alive. We both drew out sidearms and put one in each of there heads.  After this we left the room and explored the school, for any survivors. There were about 30 classrooms, a basement, and a second floor. We found a staircase that had access to the roof. We decided to set up shop next to that on the second floor, close to the bathrooms. We found no survivors.
"Dammit." I said, "This place was a fucking bust, what now?"
Ski looked at his watch, "Well, its about 2300 (11:00pm) so I guess we should take shifts sleeping."
"Alright, noes goes on first shift!" I won, as always.

I kind of have an unfair advantage.

I helped Ski set up the 240 on the roof and then laid down. I drifted off to sleep almost instantly.