Global Issues

During my junior and senior year of high school I attended a class called “Global Issues” As the titles suggest, it was a very loose class with no real lesson plan. Because a majority of the assignments were all opinion based, about 90% of the grading system was purely “class participation”. And damned if I didn’t participate!

You see, my teacher in this class, Ms Haas, was a hard core left wing liberal; while me and my friend Nate on the other hand, were far right wing conservatives. As I said before, Ms Hass didn’t have a solid lesson plan in place, but we sure did. Our entire goal in this class was to make life a living hell for our teacher, conspire to turn the class against her, disprove global warming, and make everyone in the class pro corporations. I’d like to think we succeeded in every aspect.

Often times the teacher would enter the room and say something like, “Alright class, today we are going to learn about child soldiers in Darfur.”  To which I would reply “No, we are going to talk about how the media lies to scare us into believing global warming.” To which point the students in the class would pull out the assignments I gave them behind Haas’ back (Do as much research as you can trying to disprove Global Warming) One student brought in a news article showing how 75% of the temperature measuring tools were put in places like asphalt or near hot springs, deeply flawing the readings. Another showed that in order to become a respected scientist in the study of climate change, you had to admit that you believed in man made global warming, therefore every scientist that studies this field is quoted as saying such. Nate and I brought in evidence from NASA disproving man created climate change. If you don’t know much about NASA, they tend not to fuck around.

NASA:  “We tend not to fuck around.”

 Although Haas had the woman balls to say that NASA wasn’t a reliable resource. Well I guess that’s fair; its not like NASA has ever really proved itself to us before or anything.

            Another one of my favorite moments was when we twisted her words to make her look like a Nazi. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t anti Semitic or anything, just much more passionate about some issues than others. You see, there is something you have to understand about Ms Haas… she thinks that she is black. She isn’t. She’s not even dark skinned; she’s white as snow for Gods sake.

Not pictured: Ms Hass 

She was so sure that she was black, that slavery offended her in such a personal level that Harriet Tubman would have told her to cram it. She came into class one day and started one of her insane yet amusing rants about racism in today’s world and how we should pay compensations to the African American community. To which point I raised my hand and said “Excuse me Ms Haas, but I feel like we have touched this issue more than enough this year, why don’t we talk about compensations for another group of people persecution throughout history, the Jews perhaps.”  She did not like this, not at all. To which point she said and I quote “The holocaust only happened one time, The Jews were not even slaves either. In fact, throughout the majority of history the Jews have been the persecutors.”… ESCUSE ME?!?!?!?! Now I’m about as Jewish as Ms Haas is black (that is to say, not even the slightest bit.) But something about that struck me as very wrong. And by something, I mean everything.

“Naaw, its cool, I mean, there I was, minding my own business when these guys were like, ‘come with us to these death camps’ and im like ‘well, at least I’ve never been a slave, ya know?’”

I’d like to start out with the phrase “the holocaust only happened one time” Sure, Nazis didn’t round up Jews every decade and put them into death camps, THAT only happened one time, but since the beginning of time Jews have been persecution. I’d like you to notice the warm and fuzzy words like “Burned alive”, “Slaughtered”, and “Tortured”. And this doesn’t even get into the B.C. era where the Jews were…. SLAVES! Although, that was just one time. Its not like they were slaves so often that somebody could write an entire article about it… oh wait, what’s that? There IS one? Well who knew, clearly not Ms Haas.

            You see, this class was not like any normal class. Since “Global Issues” could mean anything, it was like we were on a ship in international waters. Anything goes. And when Nate and I came into the class, it was mutiny. Poor ms haas couldn’t take it with us in there, what with our constantly hiding George Bush posters all over her classroom and our all our essays being titled “Why I think Nixon was framed by the liberal devil” or “How Ronald Reagan saved the world” or something to that extent. She constantly complained to the principal that we were “conspiring against [her]” and he thought it was crazy talk. The best part about it, we were. I miss this class, and one day, when I’m a teacher, I’d like to start one up like it, just to see what two students were the smartest dicks around.

EEYORE'S DEATH SHOCKS MANY Dark secrets arise in Ashdown Forrest.

A tragic death has struck the nation last night when local alcoholic Eeyore committed suicide. At 11:30 PM Friday night doctor John Sanchez declared Eeyore deceased, who was found a half hour earlier by piglet who is now in ICU for a heart attack as a result of the trauma. Eyore was a constant downer, he always didn’t talk much and rarely left his home. Recently Eeyore confronted Winnie The Pooh about life "He told me he didn't have any purpose in this world, that he was thinking about killing himself. I thought he was kidding, I told him 'Just don’t make a mess haha' he told me 'why bother' I didn't think about it much then, but I feel pretty bad."

"Why bother?"

Eeyore was found hanging from a noose made from his own tail.  There were no signs of foul play in the room and an autopsy showed large amounts of methamphetamine in his system along with a blood alcohol content of 0.39. Under a pile of syringes and empty bottles of vodka was the suicide note left for the world. It seems that Ashdown forest had some dark secrets. In said note, Eeyore reviled that local Christopher Robin had been abusing him mentally, psychically, and even sexually for the past 17 years. As stated in an excerpt from the 12 page long note “…The horrors I have suffered, cannot be explained by words…things were done to me that no man should ever have to endure nor bear witness to…” Apparently he wasn’t the only one. Once Christopher was taken into custody for questioning, more came forward with their own stories. When the late Eeyor’s friend Tigger was questioned, he stated that “It was like he was a pimp, he controlled all of us. When he was feeling good, it was fine, like a perfect world, but if he got even the slightest bit angry, all hell would break lose. He was insane. There used to be another one of us, Agnes, she was a goat. But one day, she threatened to tell the police about the horror show that was our small forest. And he killed her. He… he forced us to eat her. After that, everyone just kept their mouths shut, and took their beatings… oh god I can still taste it. Damn you for destroying what was a perfect world. DAMN YOU!!!!” After much decussion, President Obama has announced that the incident was “batshit crazy” and “depressing as hell” and decided to burn down all of ashdown forest and told the nation “lets pretend this never happened, Winnie the poo isn’t real, never was, got it? Your childhood, gone… Christ… this is to much… I hate my job.”

Monkeys

There are many different types of animals that can be classified as pets, and most of them reflect their owner. A cat is good for comfort, a dog is loyal, a gold fish is easy to take care of. So if you have a depressing life, get a cat. If you need to have power over something, get a dog. And if you’re just lazy, get a goldfish.

But the animal that is usually though of as fun, is the monkey. They are playful little critters, always full of excitement. Monkeys are unique in that they basically have 5 hands, they have the ability to use both their arms, both their legs and their tails to grab hold of things.

Monkeys are some of the smartest animals there are. They are very closely related to humans in many different ways. Their DNA matches ours almost exactly, the reason many people think that we descended from them. Also, a lot of testing for vaccinations and perfumes, in fact, almost all animal testing is done on monkeys. This upsets many animal rights groups.

There are several different types of monkeys, the most common is the Rhesus. Also, another very common type of monkey is the chimpanze, they are among the most agile monkey and the most peaceful type. Monkeys of all kinds tend to be very smart, cute, fun, and peaceful.

Monkeys have even been used to help the disabled. These are called Helper Monkeys, these monkeys help quadriplegics around the house. They open bottles, wash the humans face and microwave food. In a way they are like seeing eye dogs.

Monkeys are associated with energy. Whenever a little kid starts screwing around, adults are prone to say “Hey you, stop acting like a monkey!” Or something to that extent. When at the zoo, the first thing little kids usually want to do, is see the monkeys (Secretly hoping that they will throw their bowel movements at people)

Not only are monkeys popular with little children, but they are also popular in hollywood. One of the most famous movies, “King Kong” featured a giant ape that was captured on on island, taken to New York, escaped from it’s chains, and raised hell throughout the city. The movie ended with Kong climbing the Empire State Building, then getting shot down by several planes. There was much intelligence in Kong, and it was thought that he had fallen in love with the female costar. Thus the reason for one of the most famous lines in movie history “'Twas beauty that killed the beast.”

Although monkeys have all these advantages, some people don’t like them. A monkey is a very rare pet, often being called “Natures Assholes” they are a pain in the neck to clean up after. They run around and break things, they are worse than a kid with ADHD who just took Ex for the first time. Bouncing off the walls, knocking over shelves, throwing their feces at people, defecating everywhere. Also, if a monkey is abused in by it’s owner, it will most likely be smart enough to cut it’s owners throat in his sleep. In fact, there are no monkeys that are native to the North America, most of them are found in the east coast or south america.

Although the monkey is a rare pet, most people who own a monkey love them very much, almost as much as they would love a family member. When dealing with emotional bonds from human to animal, it is obvious that the monkey is the strongest. Sure a dog or cat will be nice to you and get excited when they see you, but that is simply because they see you as the bringer of the food. Where a monkey will actuactly hug humans, showing it’s love and affection.

While a monkey might be a troublesome pet, if trained properly, the pro’s might outweigh the con’s. A monkey has opposable thumbs, and can learn very easily. If radical groups in Darfur can train child soldiers, then training a monkey to shoot on sight should be no issue. We could reduce government spend very much by giving monkey jobs, they could be firefighters, police, even the cashier at Wallmart. They would simply be placed in the job environment and watch how the current government worker or employee works thus following the general and well known rule “Monkey see monkey do”. If only monkeys were used to their full potential, the world would be a much better place.

This being said, monkeys can do much, they are by far among the smartest animals, only slightly better (a dolphin can’t sword fight) and would, if treated right, make great pets. unfortunately most people disagree, and it is illegal to own a monkey as a pet in most of North America. But we can only pray, one day, that will change.

Stalking: Never Gonna Let You Go

Don’t you just hate it when the girl that you are overly obsessed with tells you that you are “not my type?” She must be wrong, you are clearly her type, and you love her. And to prove that you really love her, you must never ever let her go. There is a special form of art that must be preformed to be sure that you two can be in love once again… stalking.

Some people consider stalking a sport; those people are sick degenerates that don’t deserve a life. Stalking is an art of love. You see, a relationship is never over until both sides agree, If a girl says “It’s over” the boy can simply reply “This relationship isn’t over until I say it is!” Remember, quitters are losers, and you’re not a loser, are you? Stalking can range from hiding in the bushes to kidnapping the entire family, holding them hostage, and forcing the person you are stalking to marry you. And everything in-between.



For beginners, you might want to try leaving a present at their door steps, what does everyone like? Why pets of course, but nobody likes taking care of them, so you should just leave a dead cat (white to represent purity). Or if she's not a cat person, you could just give her a pretty bird. 

This bird

After you have gained their trust, it’s time for the phone call. Be sure to not use words when calling your love, instead breath heavily and moan. Sometimes the person being stalked might get a restraining order against you, remember, this is just their way of saying “I love you.” If the restraining order doesn’t respect your love, then don’t respect it. If you need to, burn down the court house; attack the records at the source. After you have made it clear that you will never quit, it’s time for something to do at home, away from your true love. For this project, you will be collecting random hair follicles and used gum form the person that you are stalking and make a small model of them. Be sure to worship it 5-6 times a day.



Remember, your beloved will need constant reminders that you know where they live, let them know that you are always watching while they sleep, so they can feel safe, of course. Be sure to visit them at work as much as you can, so they don’t feel lonely. And remember, no matter what they say, deep down, they love you too.