EEYORE'S DEATH SHOCKS MANY Dark secrets arise in Ashdown Forrest.

A tragic death has struck the nation last night when local alcoholic Eeyore committed suicide. At 11:30 PM Friday night doctor John Sanchez declared Eeyore deceased, who was found a half hour earlier by piglet who is now in ICU for a heart attack as a result of the trauma. Eyore was a constant downer, he always didn’t talk much and rarely left his home. Recently Eeyore confronted Winnie The Pooh about life "He told me he didn't have any purpose in this world, that he was thinking about killing himself. I thought he was kidding, I told him 'Just don’t make a mess haha' he told me 'why bother' I didn't think about it much then, but I feel pretty bad."

"Why bother?"

Eeyore was found hanging from a noose made from his own tail.  There were no signs of foul play in the room and an autopsy showed large amounts of methamphetamine in his system along with a blood alcohol content of 0.39. Under a pile of syringes and empty bottles of vodka was the suicide note left for the world. It seems that Ashdown forest had some dark secrets. In said note, Eeyore reviled that local Christopher Robin had been abusing him mentally, psychically, and even sexually for the past 17 years. As stated in an excerpt from the 12 page long note “…The horrors I have suffered, cannot be explained by words…things were done to me that no man should ever have to endure nor bear witness to…” Apparently he wasn’t the only one. Once Christopher was taken into custody for questioning, more came forward with their own stories. When the late Eeyor’s friend Tigger was questioned, he stated that “It was like he was a pimp, he controlled all of us. When he was feeling good, it was fine, like a perfect world, but if he got even the slightest bit angry, all hell would break lose. He was insane. There used to be another one of us, Agnes, she was a goat. But one day, she threatened to tell the police about the horror show that was our small forest. And he killed her. He… he forced us to eat her. After that, everyone just kept their mouths shut, and took their beatings… oh god I can still taste it. Damn you for destroying what was a perfect world. DAMN YOU!!!!” After much decussion, President Obama has announced that the incident was “batshit crazy” and “depressing as hell” and decided to burn down all of ashdown forest and told the nation “lets pretend this never happened, Winnie the poo isn’t real, never was, got it? Your childhood, gone… Christ… this is to much… I hate my job.”