An Average Three Day Weekend in the Marine Corps (With Zombies!) Part 3

"Shit!" I yelled as I ran up to Ski. The Bullet had hit him in the upper right torso. "Ski stay with me, how you feeling?" I said as I tore my shirt and started treating his wound. He stood up and grabbed his shotgun, "Bitch shot me." He said, then shot her in the head, destroying it.

"Dude, sit down." I said. Ski looked at me and asked "Why? Whats wrong?"

I pointed to the blood running down his chest. "Because you just got shot in the chest with an very high caliber bullet." He looked down at his wound.

"It's nothing." He said.

"I'll just, you know, walk it off or something"

"Look, just wait here for a second, okay?" He agreed, and I reloaded my pistol and walked to the door. "I'll be right back, okay?" He nodded and gave April another kick, apparently getting shot pissed him off.

I opened the door and walked right up to the nearest 2 men I could see. I punched one in the back of the head, knocking him to the floor, then aimed my gun at the other. "I need a gunshot wound treated. Are you a doctor?" I asked, He shook his head, "Our only doctor is April, I don't kno-" I shot him in the head. The other man began crawling away so I grabbed him. "You better have a different fucking answer than the that bitch, and I better like it for your sake." I told him.

He instantly started talking, "I can't treat a gunshot wound, but I know where the medical supplies are. I can take you there." I pushed him forward and told him one word, "Fast." He seemed to get the idea and started moving, we went through a hallway and into a room with 4 people. One of them had a gun, as soon as he saw me he started shooting. The man in who was walking me to the medical supplies got shot right away and dropped, I jumped behind a desk and waited till I heard him stop shooting, then I popped up, and fired 4 rounds near the direction he was in, I ducked back down and heard him scream, "Who the fuck are you?" then fire at me some more. When the firing stopped I yelled back, "Who the fuck are you?" I heard footsteps moving around on the other side of the desk. Above me I noticed a mirror but couldn't get a look at what was going on because the angle was wrong. I raised my pistol and shot it, the glass shattered and fell to my feet. I picked up a larger piece of it and used to to see around the desk. 2 of the men who had left had now reentered with guns of their own. I remembered what April had said, "there are 7 of us." She was dead now, along with two others. That left only 4 and 3 of them were now trying to kill me. I needed one alive at the end of this to figure out what the hell was going on. Three against one, I regretted not bringing my M4 now. I checked with the mirror again, one of the men was reloading, the other two were on the other side of the room. I popped up again and shot one in the head, then jumped over the desk and grabbed the man who had been trying to reload his gun, I punched him in the chest and shot both his kneecaps, then ran out the door before the last man could get a shot off at me. I peaked my head around the corner and ended up looking right into the barrel of his gun. BAM! for a moment, I thought I was dead, and was confused to see my would-be-killer fall to the ground. Then I saw Ski standing in the corner, pistol still at the ready, and bleeding a lot. I ran over to him, "Sit down ok, I'm gonna patch that up." I walked over to one of the dead men, he had a USP 45 hand gun, I took it.

He pointed at the man on the ground, who's kneecaps I had shot out, "What about that guy?"

"We need him to find out whats going on, in the mean time, one of them is still running around here somewhere and I have to find him and get the medical shit to fix that hole on your chest." I ran off to go find the last guy, I checked the first room i entered. Nobody inside, but I found a first aid kit on the wall. I figured that was probably as good as I was gonna get. I started grabbing what I needed to treat Ski's wound. As I was about to go back, I heard something behind me. I spun around and looked, it was the last guy he was on the phone with somebody. I dropped the contents of my hands and drew my pistol. He still hadn't seen me so I crept up to him slowly, snatched the phone out of his hands and listened while keeping the pistol pointed at the man. "-bama and I. Find these intruders and kill them. They are going to ruin everything, call me as soon as they are dead understand?" The voice on the phone was oddly familiar somehow, but I couldn't quite figure out who it belonged to. I handed the phone back to him and whispered "Tell him you understand." The man did as told and hung up the phone. From the other room I heard a gunshot, followed by Ski yelling "One more bastard down!"

I shoved the man and told him to pick up the first aid supplies. "Start walking." I told him, we moved back to the room where Ski was and I ordered the man to start patching him up. While he was working on ski, I asked about the guy on the ground, "Why'd you shoot him?" 

Ski started reloading his gun, "He wouldn't talk, hopefully your guy knows more than he did. I told Ski about the phone call and how I knew the guy he was talking to but couldn't figure out who it was. When the man was done patching up Ski, I pulled him aside and started questioning him.

"Whats your name?"

"Marcus Mercer."

"Who was that on the phone?" He started sweating, in fact, he looked scared shitless.

"I can't tell you." I decided another angle.

"What's going on?"

"I... can't" 

"You had better fucking tell me Mark, I'm really starting to get fucking pissed off."

"Look, you don't understand, this is bigger than you, bigger than me, this goes all the way to the top!"

I looked him dead in the eye. "Listen to me, If you don't tell me what I need to know, I will kill you."

He looked at the ground, "I refuse to tell you who is behind this, why they are doing this, or the reason I am working on this project. You will have to kill me, and I accept that."

I glanced around, "I need a computer, where can I find it?" He looked back up at me, "There is a computer in the room you found me at, what do you plan to do?"

I handed him the phone, "Call the man you were on the phone with, put him on speaker, tell him everyone in this building is dead, including us, except for you."

He nodded and started the call. The man on the other line picked up, "I assume you have disposed of them, otherwise I will be very upset that you are making this call."

Mark screamed "I DIDN'T TELL THEM ANYTHING THEY HAVE ME HOSTA-" Me and Ski shot him at the same time, Ski picked up the phone, "Who am I speaking to?"

The man on the other line replied, "You will not foil our plans, you will not defeat us. Do yourself a favor and quit now." *click* he hung up.

Ski looked at me, "I know that voice too.... but I cant figure it out."

"Give me the phone." I told him, then ran to the other room where the computer was. I booted it on and reverse searched the phone number. One address came up. 1600 pennsylvania ave washington dc.  I looked at the screen for a long time. I knew the address by heart. The call had come from the White House. I ran out to Ski.

"You're never going to believe this man." I said, "I think the governments behind this."

He stood up and started walking to the door we had entered. "Where are we going now?"

"The white house." I said, I checked my watch. 10:00 pm. "And its a 6 and a half hour drive, so we should be there by 4 in the morning."

"Cool, I'll drive, you sleep." Ski said

We left the bunker and went upstairs, to the basement of the school. I got in the drivers seat of the van and we took off.

ROAD TRIP!!!

About 6 hours later we ran out of gas. I checked the GPS, "Dammit, we're 6 miles out, thing you can run?" Ski laughed "Of course I can, but were gonna have to limit our weight, pistols and grenades only." 

I started loading up on ammo. We left the van and started running the 6 miles to the white house.

DC was a disaster, it looked like a damn warzone. Overturned cars on fire, entire buildings had fallen, even the Washington Monument was ablaze. People lay dead in the streets by the thousands, also, zombies. They were everywhere. We tried to get around most of them to conserve our ammo, but every once in a while one got too close and we had to shoot them. Finally we were standing outside the gate to the white house, which looked untouched by the disaster. We were not exactly sure how to proceed. 

"Well," Ski started, "I guess we could just go around front and walk right in the door." I thought for a moment. "It doesn't seem like we have many options." Just then, A shot rang out, I felt a sting in my ear. I ran to an overturned 18 wheeler and got behind it. Ski ran up next to me, "I think theres a sniper up on the roof, I'm gonna try to g- HOLY SHIT YOUR EAR!" I felt for it, it was gone.

"Fan-fucking-tastic."

Ski picked something up off the ground, "Don't worry, I found it!" I looked over at him he was whispering something into what was once my ear. "What the hell are you doing?"

He looked up, "I'm telling you a secret." I rolled my eyes and focused at the task at hand. "Look," I said, "We need to get past that sniper and we only have two hand guns and 3 grenades. How are we gonna pull this off?" Ski looked at me and flashed an evil smile I have only seen one time before and thought I'd never see again. "SKI NO! We can't!" He laughed, "Oh yes we can!" And with that he vanished.

With Ski gone, and nowhere for me to go but behind the truck, I had to think of a way to avoid the zombies until he got back. At first I tried to play dead, but they could smell that I was still alive, So I went with the second best option. I shot as many as I could in the head and moved around as much as I could. Every now and then one would get really close to taking a bite out of me, but I was slightly quicker, thankfully these were slow zombies. Every now and then the sniper atop the roof helped me out by picking a few of them off. Finally I saw the horror I knew would take place. A large dog was walking towards me. Tied to the tail of it, was another dog, dead and being dragged across the road. When the dog approached me, it said "Alight man, I got it." Then Ski slid out of the dogs underbelly.
You see, Ski has this tactic he uses to sneak past people. He showed me once before when we were trying to escape from Mexican drug lords (long story) it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen.

Exactly.

 Ski took the dog met for me and handed me the knife, sadly I knew what to do. I sliced it open and emptied it out, then I hopped inside. Me and Ski, now safely hidden in what would make the worst Halloween costume ever, we dog walked out in front of the trucks. The Sniper left us alone, and, surprisingly, the zombies as well. We made our way around to the front gate, which was open, so we just walked right in. Once we got to the door, we shed our disgusting dog suits and prepped our weapons, Ski looked at me "You know what pisses me off? Cats. All they ever do is eat the food and scratch the shit our of you? I mean, they aren't even loyal at all. A dog will love you, show its affection, even let you use their skin as a disguise to escape! I fucking hate cats."
I glared at Ski. "Dude, we're about to break into the white house during a zombie apocalypse and unravel what could be the biggest conspiracy in history and you're talking about.... cats?" He looked at me with a confused expression, "What? you like cats or something?" I replied "No... good point, I fucking hate cats too. Now lets do this." He smiled, "Lets."
I kicked in the door and searched the room, nothing. I heard a window crash as Ski decided it would be way cooler to rope swing through the glass. I don't have any idea how he even set that up and I wasn't about to ask. I was about to ask Ski if her had any ideas about what to do next, when a dozen men exploded out of a door and started firing automatic weapons at us. We instantly returned fire and killed 3, then ran to cover. The fire was overwhelming and we were pinned down. I looked at Ski, "We're going to throw our grenades at them, and as soon as they explode, we are gonna pull the corner and take them out, got it?"
"Seriously, fucking cats man, they ju-"
"SKI SHUT THE FUCK UP AND THROW YOUR DAMN GRENADE!"
We both tossed one, then I chucked the last. By the time the third explosion sounded, the gunfire had stopped all together. We popped around the corner and started shooting, within seconds, everyone lay on the ground dead. I examined the bodies and grabbed one of their rifles and some ammo. "These guys aren't secret service... what the fuck is going on man?" I asked. Just then I heard a soft "pop" and the world went black.




When I awoke I was in the Oval Office tied to a chair, next to me was Ski, also restrained. I tried to gather my surroundings. I was unarmed, no knives or anything. I looked at the clock on the wall, it was noon. The oval office looked very nice, considering the state of the rest of the city. Nothing was out of the ordinary, if I didn't know any better I'd say this was just another day in the capital. Except for the face that Barack Obama and Joe Biden were standing in front of us both holding what seemed to be some sort of weapon out of a syfi movie. Biden spoke first "Ahh, Mr Lyon and Mr Grochowski, so good of you to join us." Just then it clicked. The voice on the phone! It was the Vice Presidents.
I told him "Mr President, Vice President gentelmen, we are Marines here to help in any way possible, if you could please just untie us now-" Biden slapped me across the face with surprising force, "SHUT UP EARTHLING!" Now I was at stage 7 on my confused-as-ever-loving-shit scale. Ski looked at me, "Dude, did the Vice President just refer to you as 'earthling'?" Biden smiled and started walking around the room. "Perhaps you would like an explanation?" he asked. Ski looked at him and said, "Why yes sir! If you could be ever so kind to explain to us WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON MOTHERFUCKER?!?!?!" Obama let out a chuckle and said "Yes we can."

Smug little bastard

Biden began, "In the 1960's, a UFO crashed in Roswell New Mexico. I was on that ship, you see I am not from this planet. I'm an alien from the world Norswak in the outer regions of Pla-"
I stopped him "Bullshit. bullshit bullshit bullshit! I refuse to believe any of this!" Thats when Ski interjected, "Is the platypus from your home world?" Biden grinned, "Why in fact it is."
Ski looked over at me, "I believe him." Then told the Vice President/Alien to continue.

This picture was surprisingly easy to find.

When I crashed my communications tools were all severely damaged, as well as my robot."
I stopped him again, "WHAT?!?! A ROBOT? BULLSHIT! Lets see it you liar." I then saw something that I suspected for a very long time. Biden nodded to Obama, who took a knife, and very terminator like cut the skin off his face, reviling the thick metal that lay underneath.

ummm, change?

"You see," Biden started again, "I had electronically controlled nano DNA implanted into every American during the 1970-1990s. It is embedded into the DNA so it passes from mother to child. When I toxin called 'solime' comes in contact with this nano DNA, it will turn the host into a mindless zombie. All the DNA is controlled through Obama and can only be shut down when he is either destroyed, or shut down by me. Three days ago, I released this toxin onto the world. Now your planet is doomed, and I shall reign as overlord once our forces arrive and I deactivate the device turning all humans from zombie, into slaves of the mighty Norswakians!!! MUHAHAHAAAAA!!!"

I looked from robobama, to alienbiden, to Ski, then announced again, "What the fuck? Bullshit. There is no way any of this is possible." 

Biden smiled and said, "Believe what you want, but now, you will die." Robobama walked up to Ski, opened his mouth, and a circular saw came out, slowly making its way to him. Just when it was about to make contact, I heard an explosion, and a wall came falling down.  Once the smoke and dust cleared up a bit, I heard the words of a great man. "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" Dick Cheney stepped out of the smoke with a rifle.

"GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

He fired a burst into Biden, who exploded into a blue mist. Robobama spun around and started firing with machine guns through his hands. Obama returned fire and sparks flew out of Obama and he dropped. Cheney ran up to us and untied us. "Let's get the fuck out of here, I rigged the whole place to blow!" I followed him to the exit as we ran as fast as our legs could take us. When we were far away, the white house went up in a ball of fire. At that moment, I zombie grabbed Dick, and went in to bit him. Then stopped, looked around, and asked, "Wh...what? Where the hell am I?"

I looked around. All the zombies were returning to normal due to the destruction of Robobama.

I looked at Dick, "Mr Vice President, thank you, but how did you know?"

He lowered his weapon and replied. "I've been chasing these aliens for years. Biden was the last of them, it's over, it's finally over."

I looked at him, then at Ski, then at all the destruction around us, then at the recovering zombies rising out of the ashes. "Yes." I said. "It is over."

This story dedicated to Vietnam Vet's.
ROCK ON MOTHER FUCKA!

*EDITORS NOTE!* Joe Biden is the Vice President of the United States of America, not an alien bent on world domination. Barack Obama is the President of the United States of America. and probably not a robot although my suspicion still stands. Either way, conspiring to and/or put either of them in harms way is TREASON! Zombies, on the other hand, are real If you happen to be outside a bar and see a man who looks ill and is stumbling around making moaning noises, it is your DUTY AS AN AMERICAN to shoot him in the head.

An average Three Day Weekend in the Marine Corps (With Zombies!) Part 2

At 4 in the morning saturday Ski woke me up. It was my turn for fire watch, I grabbed my rifle and my NVDs and went up to the roof. About 4 hours went by and nothing really happened, then I heard a sound from down stairs. I went to go check it out, but the lights wouldn't turn on, and I damn sure wasn't about to break the number one rule of horror movies *Never go into a dark basement by yourself*

I went over to Ski and woke him up. "Ski, its time to wake up."

He looked at me really pissed off, "Why the hell? Dammit Lyon I have having a good dream about liz!"

Liz was Skis girlfriend, and he never shuts the fuck up about her.

To be fair, I cant really blame him.

"Dude, I'm hearing shit in the basement. Put on your NVDs and lets check it out."

"Ughhhh!!!! Alright fine!" He got up and grabbed his rifle, "Lets go."

Now, in the Marine infantry, we have this nifty little piece of gear called a "PEQ 16" it serves several functions but the best is the infrared laser sight that can only be seen with NVD's. (Yes, it is exactly like Call Of Duty, only its about a thousand times cooler in real life.)

We went downstairs with our rifles and turned on on our night vision and out PEQ16 and scanned the area. The sound I heard earlier had vanished. We looked all over and found some boxes but couldn't read the labels because NVD's don't work as well in real life as they do in the movies. After a while, we went back upstairs and decided to wait until sunrise, then use the surefire on our PEQ16 to find the fusebox and fix the lights. I decided to take a small nap while Ski stood watch again.

At about noon Ski woke me up "Hey dude, wanna see something fucking awesome?"

I nodded, "I killed about 2 hundred zombie/marines yesterday. You're about to show me some to one up that? Of course I want to see." I followed him upstairs to the roof. As I messed with the 240 a bit, Ski got to work on setting something up. "I noticed it about an hour ago," Ski started, "I was just listening to my music, and started singing out loud and it happened, at first I thought it was a fluke, but then i took out the head phones and turned the volume up and a bunch more joined in."

"Ski, what the hell are you talking about?" He walked away from what he had set up, an iPod on a speaker system. "Just watch dude." He said with a huge grin, "watch and fucking listen."

He hit play on his iPod and instantly 2 things happened at once. The first thing was that the 1980's Michael Jackson hit Thriller started playing at full volume. And the second was hundreds of zombies breaking out into amazing, synchronized, seemly choreographed dance exactly to the beat and (if you remember it) the music video.

 It was the freakiest thing I'd ever seen. "Dude, this is... eerie I... I don't even know what to say about this shit. It's awesome." We looked at this amazing sight for a long time. I dug into my pockets for something to record it with, but found nothing. So I opted for the next best option, "Wanna put them out of their misery? I mean, its bad enough that the are zombies... But being somehow forced to dance to Michael Jackson is just humiliating."

"Thats a good point. Lets put these 240's to some fucking use for once."

We both maned a machine gun and let loose, creating a wall of lead tearing into their inferior flesh and brains. The undead began dropping by the dozens. This went on for a good 10 min, at which point we had used up half the ammo for the 240's and decided to save the rest for when we needed it. I'm pretty sure we slayed, like, 1000 fucking zombies. 

Then we went back down to the basement to check on what I had heard last night, after a bit of searching, we found the fuse box. Ski went to work on it while I read the labels on some of the boxes. Most of it was food which was great because neither of us had eaten in almost 2 days. The lights flashed on and Ski came walking over. "Fixed it, you find anything useful over here?"

I motioned to the boxes. "Food, and lots of it too. Lets make ourself some chow man, I'm fucking starving."

We grabbed the crates of food and made our way to the kitchen and Ski started making a couple omelets and some bacon. Meanwhile I went to the bathroom. As I was washing up, I thought for the first time about everything that had happened in the past 24 hours. I wondered what my family was doing, or even if they were still alive. Then I remembered that my brothers were both fucking badass as shit and had read the Zombie Survival Guide about as many times as I had. My only real worry was that they would rack up more zombie kills than me, and rub it in my face. My family was fine, I decided, and I needn't worry about them.

I dried my hands and headed back to the kitchen, where I saw something that made my blood go cold.

A man wearing a lab-coat and wielding a pump action hunting shotgun was standing there, pointing it at Ski and yelling at him.

"Why the fuck are you here?!?!" I instantly regretted no bringing

Ski looked at him "Dr Hossburg told us about this place asshole, now let me go before I fuck your world up."

The man yelled "Dr Hossburg? Where the hell is he? Why isn't he with you then?"

Ski tried to lie. "Well.... He said he had to go grab something."

Then he noticed me standing behind the man with the shotgun and apparently decided fuck it, we don't need this guy alive either! "OH WAIT!" Ski yelled, "I remember what happened to him now. I shot him, in the fucking head, he wasn't even a zombie. In fact, he was trying to help us, I just didn't like the look he gave me, so I shot him. Because I am a crazy mother fucker and I'm about to turn your world upside down if you don't let me go!"

The man got enraged, he started throwing things everywhere, screaming and shooting everything. He still hadn't seen me. I grabbed the 357 mag that Ski had dropped when the man showed up and started slowly walking up behind him.

"You son of a bitch!" The man hollered, "The man you murdered today was my father, and I will avenge his death!" He pumped another shell into the shotgun, Ski smiled and said "Like father like son."

At that moment I raised up and shot the man in the head. Ski looked very pleased with he little action-movie-like-pun and seemed to not care that we were clearly bad guys now.

"Thanks man, I knew you'd have my back." Ski said as I handed him the revolver and grabbed my own rifle. 

"Hey Ski, do you see anything wrong with this picture? Like, maybe provoking innocent survivors then murdering them might not be the best way to roll?"

Ski laughed, "That guy was about to shoot me man, whats innocent about that?"

Once again, he clearly missed the point. "Ok, now where did this guy come from?"

Ski started walking to the basement and pointed, "Down there, maybe there is a hidden door or something that we missed."

I decided we would check it out. "Alright, lets go, but please, don't mention anything about killing either of those guys, just let me do the talking."

We went down stairs and looked for a while till and still found nothing. I got pissed, "Dammit! I knew I heard something last night, there has to be something in here!" I kicked a wooden box and it hit the floor.

"Wait, did you hear that?" Ski asked me, "That sounded hollow."

He was right, it did. "Wait here." I told him, then I ran upstairs into the teachers lounge to find a water cooler. I grabbed it and sprinted back to the basement, where I smashed it on the floor. "Listen and watch to where the water goes." We did and noticed all the water was draining into a small crack in the shape of a rectangle on the floor. "I think this is it." I yelled.

We pushed some boxes out of the way and found a handle. "Alright Ski, cover this while I open it."

Ski aimed the shotgun he had gotten off the man I shot at the hatch, "You got it."

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and threw it open.

"DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!" I heard Ski screaming as he fired off a shot.

"Ski, cut it the fuck out!" I said. I looked down and saw nothing, thankfully I suppose.

We both jumped down and searched the area. There was a bunker door at the end of a long, narrow, hallway, we both ran up to it. "I guess we just knock."

I knocked on the door loudly and waited for a reply. Five minuets passed, and nothing happened.

Ski, looked at his watch, "Maybe that guy was the only one."

Just then, as we were about to give up, the door made an audible click and slowly swung open. I glanced inside and say nobody. "Alight, lets check it out."

We both started walking forward to another large metal door that was at the end of the corridor. I glanced at Ski and considered asking him for his weapons, then decided against it. I tried the door. Locked. So I pounded on it until a woman inside opened it. "Who are you men?" she asked with a pistol aimed at Ski. Good call, I thought to myself.

"We're Marines... Survivors. How many are alive in here?"

She looked from me to Ski, concerned at first, but then decided that she believed us. "There are 7 of us in here, you are welcome to enter, but only if you let us draw your blood to check and see if you are one of them first."

Me and Ski looked at each other, then back at the woman, "Deal."

She let us in and took us directly to a room that looked like a vault first. She shut the door behind her and began drawing our blood. "Once we can confirm that you're not infected, we can let you leave this vault and I will introduce you to the rest of us." She said, as she was drawing my blood.

I looked at her, "What's your name?" I asked her.

She looked up at me, "April." She said. "April Stewart." Then she left.

As soon as she had the door shut and locked behind her, Ski jumped up and started running around the small room. "What are you doing dude?"

He shot me a look, and put his finger to his lips. Then he kept looking around. After he had covered every inch of the room he walked back over to me and with a low voice said "We're good to talk, they don't have any video or listening devices in here, but we have to keep quiet."

I looked at him confused, "What, why dude? What are we talking about?"

He glanced around again, then looked me in the eyes. "We have to kill these people."

"WHAT?!" I yelled. His eyes shot wide "SHHHH!!!!! Keep it down dammit." He shot back while putting thick rubberbands around the spoons of our remaining 3 grenades.

I looked at him, "Ski, you need to cut it the fuck out. We are not going to kill these people. Why would you even think that was an option?"

"Their arms man, did you not notice their arms?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Alright look" Ski started, "Remember that guy I wasted back at the gym, Dr Hossburg? That guy had a bandaid on his arm, right over where we always get our shots for the Marines. And the one you shot had it to. This April girl? Same damn thing."

I was still unsure why this met we had to kill 7 people. "Ok... I'm not following your logic. So they all had a bandaid, that doesn't mean anything."

Ski started loading his weapons, "No dude, it means everything. It means that they were all vacinaited for this virus. And I saw a biohazard bag as we were walking in, it was filled with bandaids, meaning they had to change them, meaning they have been vacinated for a while and the outbreak only started yesterday."

The wheels in my brain were starting to turn. "So, what, you think they knew this was going to happen?"

Ski put down his shotgun and grabbed his magumn revolver, spun the chamber, and threw it shut. "No." He said has he walked over to the door, "I think they started this. And I'm about to figure out why." Just then, the door opened, and April entered. "We have your blood result tests, you both seem to check out, although one of you has a high level of soap in your bloodstream." Dammit!

As soon as she shut the door, Ski jumped her and jammed the barrel of the gun into her mouth.

"Tell us everything or I'm going to paint the walls with your blood." he whispered in her ear, almost like a lover would whisper a sweet nothing. It was quite disturbing. She tried to get away, but I decided to go with Ski on this hunch, after all, even if he was wrong it's not like they would keep us after that threat. I shut the door and grabbed April to hold her down. "You better start talking," I warned her, "I honestly can't keep him from killing people, and believe me, I've tried." She started to tremble and sweat a lot.

"I don't understand! Let me go, I don't know anything you don't!"

Ski smiled and used his free hand to draw the KaBar, "Oh is that so? Well then you wouldn't mind if I drew a bit of your blood now would you? Nothing to serious, just a prick under that bandaid you have there." He started moving the knife to the bandaid. "NO!" April screamed. She pushed the knife away and grabbed Skis pistol, and I drew my own. But just before I could thumb the safety off I heard the shot.
-BANG- In the confined room, that 357 mag was the loudest thing on earth. April turned the gun on me but not before I let off all 15 rounds of my M9 into her body. She died almost instantly as several of the bullets pierced her heart and brain. I gave her a kick and checked on Ski.
"You alright man?" he turned and looked at me with pain in his face.
He had been shot.

An Average Three Day Weekend in the Marine Corps (With Zombies!) Part 1

Disclaimer: This article has NOT been approved by the U.S. Marine Corps or the D.O.D.


It was Thursday afternoon, around 15:30 (thats 3:30pm for those of you that don't know military time) and were were standing outside in formation to get off work. 
"Alright Marines!" Our C.O. yelled, "As you know, Sunday is Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday, and because of that we won't have work tomorrow. Remember to be safe this weekend, if you drink then don't drive. Don't smoke spice, and don't get arrested. Also, don't be a fucking dick and snort dick off some dudes dick while jacking your dick you dicks." Thats a lot of dicks I thought. "Be back here on Monday at 06:30 for a formation and remember that next week we are doing room inspections so make sure to clean you shit up. Does anyone have anything else before I let ya go?" As always, nobody said anything, all we wanted to do was get out of our cammies and enjoy the weekend. "Very well. Keep it safe and keep it sexy Marines. DISMISSED!" 
We all ran back to our rooms and changed out of our work cloths and into our civies. While I was in my room messing around on facebook and listening to music, I got a text message on my phone.
yo bro, you ready to party?
it was my friend Ski, I swear I'd jump on a grenade for this kid, we've been through so much together while in the Marines that we were closer than blood. Also, we liked to party a lot.

Pictured: Pre-party.

I opened my phone and replied 
you know it dude.
About an hour later Ski and I were off to the store to buy the goods, then we went back to my room and started the night by ordering chinese food and doing a few shots. About two 18 packs 4 bottles of wine, and a handle of irish mist later, we were both pretty far gone. I was playing Dead Rising 2 while Ski told me about his plan to open a White Castle near the base and how we would both run it together and make bank, I tried to slur out that White Castle is a family owned business and we wouldn't be allowed to operate one as we are not family, also we didn't have enough money to buy them out. For some reason what i said was "Thats an awesome fucking idea, lets take a shot to it! Also, grab me another beer." Strange how that works...
After that we argued whether lighting a zombie on fire was a good thing or a bad thing.
"No Lyon, I'm telling you, if you light a zombie on fire its brain will melt and kill it. Its just as good as shooting it in the head, only with a molotov cocktail or flamethrower, you don't have to take the time to aim right for the head." He said while pissing over the toilet and into my shower.
"DAMMIT SKI!!!! How many times have we been over this?!?! Yes, the fire will melt his brain and kill him BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY!! In the meantime you will not only have zombies chasing after you, but 6 foot tall murderous fireballs! Its way more dangerous!!!" I yelled while breaking an empty bottle of vodka over my forearm because.... just because dammit! And then things got really fuzzy till we both passed out.




I woke up in the morning inside of a bathtub with a bunch of fucking flour all over me... again.

This photo was seriously in no way doctored.

I looked around the room to survey the damage. There was a lot of blood, but not as much as last weekend. Also, I appeared to have drank lighter fluid again, I gotta cut that out. There wasn't anyone tied up in the closet, so that was good, but Ski stole another sign.

Goddammit Ski.

We both got up and grabbed a beer, because nothing taste better after a night of heavy drinking than a beer at 9:30 in the morning. I looked at my phone and saw that I had 17 missed calls from my Sgt. along with a few text messages that said things like "Urgent!!!" "CALL ME NOW!!!!" and "WHERE ARE YOU DAMMIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" I tried calling back, but he didn't pick up. In fact, I called damn near every Marine I knew to find out what was so urgent and nobody picked up. After a while I gave up and turned on the TV. Much to my surprise, every station was playing the same thing.

Ski walked out of the bathroom to see what was going on. "Dude, what the hell is going on?" 
I looked him, "Well, right now President Bush is warning America about what appears to be a zombie outbreak. He's telling Americans to hide in their houses while apparently he himself is going to kill all the zombies in the world." Ski looked at me to see if I was serious.

Clearly I was.

"Well thats confusing," Ski stated "Because this is 2011 and the President is Barack Obama."
"Yes." I agreed, "Also... Zombies? We live on a military base in an infantry unit, wouldn't we be called in right away to respond to this, or at least be informed about the base being shut down?"
I walked to the window and opened the blinds to see a the most horrifying and down right scary sight I had ever laid eyes on...

"Yes we can!"

Dammit! No not that. I must have still been hallucinating from the large amounts of dish soap i drank. I closed my eyes and shook my head and looked again.

Much better

Ski walked up to the window beside me, "Oh man!" he groaned, "I'm too hungover for this shit!"
I closed the blinds and looked at the TV. "We need to do something about this man."
I turned back to see Ski wearing a beer hat filled with tucker's death mix and holding a keg. "LETS GET TANKED!"
"Probably not the best course of action right now." I said "We need to come up with a plan."
We decided that we would go to the armory right across the street and load up on weapons, then go look for other survivors. "But first," I said, "We need something to arm ourselves with for the run across the road to the armory."
Ski ran over to the microwave and pulled out 2 KaBar combat knives. "Here you go." (Don't ask me why they were in there, just know that after a night of drinking, there are always a few deadly weapons inside my microwave.)
Me and Ski, armed only with knives and awesomeness, opened the doors to madness and tackled it head on. There wasn't as many zombies in our path as I had thought there would be, one tried to attack us right as we got off the stair case and onto the grass, I stabbed it in the face killing it. Another lunged itself at Ski when we were crossing the road, Ski responded by punching the zombie in the face then biting it. This was the most amazing I had seen in my life, Ski actually bit a fucking zombie! Thats like trying to rape a shark.
We got across the the road and into the armory, where there were a shit-ton of military grade weapons to choose from. Ski was very happy about this.

Choose wisely

We both geared up, I grabbed a 2 M4 carbines (one with a M203 grenade launcher)  3 M9 pistols and a M1014 shot gun. After thinking about it for a few seconds, I also grabbed 4 M67 frag grenades.
Ski opted to take an M249 SAW, an M16, and a MK32 (the six shot grenade launcher.) After putting half the weapons into our assault bags, I slung the shotgun and grabbed the M4/M203. Ski slung the M16 and chose the SAW as his primary weapon. We also each packed a pair of night vision devices (NVD).
"Alright, where to next?" Ski asked.
I thought for a while. "Well... where do you think survivors on a Marine base would huddle?"
"I'd say the best 3 choices to look would be the gym, base theater, or the recreational center." Ski said "But also, if there are a bunch of survivors in one area, one of them is probably a zombie, and by now has bitten someone. I'd say all three of those places are full of people who have turned already, so we should go there and mow them down, because killing zombies is fun."

very fun

So we went to the gym because it was the closest to us. As we walked to the outside of the building, Skis suspicion was confirmed. There must have been a horde of no less than a hundred walking corpse, we went to fucking town, I was picking off zombies with my rifle and Ski was taking short controlled burst at a large crowd of them. A bit further away, a bunch of the bastards were huddled close together, so I let a round off from my 203 killing roughly 8 of them. I'd say at this point the combined kill count was around 50 or 60, and then we heard moaning from behind. I turned around and saw hundreds of them, they were everywhere now, surrounding us at all sides. "Fuck! Ski, switch to heavy weapons." I pulled out the shotgun and ski grabbed his Mk32 and we starting shooting them like it was our fucking job (which in retrospect, it was our fucking job.) We knew we didn't have enough ammo to keep this up, and we were about to get overrun anyway because they were showing up faster than we could kill them. Just as it seemed that we were about to become zombie burgers, a red van pulled up. A man in a lab coat opened the door and yelled "Get inside!" I was a little suspicious about this man, but decided I didn't have much of a choice.

Don't be a pussy, this guy looks legit.

We jumped in the van and the man speed off, ski had to drop his SAW to get inside quickly. I figured that this guy might know what the hell was going on, so I asked him in the nicest way I knew. I drew a pistol and jammed it into the side of his head "ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKER! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW!" (Editors Note: Marines aren't very polite.) He looked at me and said "I'm taking you to a survivor camp where me and several other scientist are the main researchers hired by the President to work on this outbreak, my name is Dr Hossburg, and I can tell you everything thats going on here." I let loose a sigh of relief. "Last year," he continued, as I saw Ski draw a pistol out of the bag, "The government started working on a new drug called 'solime'" in the corner of my eye I saw Ski flip off the safety on his sidearm "This drug was sup-" BAM! Dr Hossburg's head exploded and the van swerved out of control. I grabbed the steering wheel and threw him out the door so I could take his spot as driver. I looked at Ski in the Mirror, "WHAT THE SHITFUCK SKI?!?!"
He put the pistol away. "I shot him, in the head, you should have seen your face. You were all like 'whaaatt'"
"I know you shot him, why?"
"He was a zombie."
"No he wasn't!" I yelled, "He was talking to us."
Ski looked confused. "He was a bad guy?" he tried.
"No, then why did he save us?"
Now he just looked pissed off. "That guy was a dick." He said, to justify what was clearly a mindless murder and not self defense in any way whatsoever.

Above: NOT self defense.

"Alright." I sighed and rubbed my fingers on my forehead, "Whatever, we'll talk about this later. In the meantime could you please refrain from killing people who are about to explain to us the reason for the fucking zombie apocalypse? That would be great. Alright, dude search the glove box to see if you can find any clue to where this survivor camp he was talking about is."
Ski jumped to the passenger seat and threw open the glove box. "Awesome!" he yelled as he pulled put a revolver, "A 357 Magnum! Dibs." He dug around a bit more and pulled out a GPS "Alright, I've set the GPS to take us to the most constant recent destination, hopefully this will be the place he was talking about."
"Ok, good. I'll drive"

Above:
My driving record.

The place was off base, so we drove back to the armory to resupply on ammo and weapons first. Because he had a van now, we threw a couple 240 machine guns inside. Then we started driving. about an hour and a half later, we arrived at a school.
"It says that this is the place."
"Ok." I said, "But please remember, some people inside this building might not be zombies. Please don't murder them."
Ski looked at the ground and mumbled something.
"What?" I asked.
"I SAID FINE DAMMIT!" he yelled.
We went up to the door and stacked up. Ski drew his M16 and I my M4, we both knew exactly what we were doing. Instinct had kicked in and we were clearing rooms exactly how we were trained to. Ski gave me the tap on the shoulder indicating that he was ready and I donkey-kicked the door in, we both exploded into the room, slow and smooth, and without thinking shot all 7 zombies right in the dome. We then went to every room, clearing them the exact same way. We were lined up on the last door, I could hear a lot of moaning inside, I looked at Ski, he had grabbed a grenade and raised an eyebrow at me.
"Just a sec." I whispered. "IS THERE ANYONE ALIVE IN THERE?" No response.
"Alright Ski, go ahead." He pulled the pin and bounced it off the wall and waited till it exploded. Me and Ski entered the room and cleared it. 13 zombies lay on the floor. Most of them with useless limbs but still alive. We both drew out sidearms and put one in each of there heads.  After this we left the room and explored the school, for any survivors. There were about 30 classrooms, a basement, and a second floor. We found a staircase that had access to the roof. We decided to set up shop next to that on the second floor, close to the bathrooms. We found no survivors.
"Dammit." I said, "This place was a fucking bust, what now?"
Ski looked at his watch, "Well, its about 2300 (11:00pm) so I guess we should take shifts sleeping."
"Alright, noes goes on first shift!" I won, as always.

I kind of have an unfair advantage.

I helped Ski set up the 240 on the roof and then laid down. I drifted off to sleep almost instantly.